I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to disappear at times. I want to just feel like I’m doing all the right things…that I’m normal. I don’t want to feel like I’m falling short of making the one person that is constantly trying to make me happy, happy. The knot in my throat pleads me to stop holding in the emotion and just let the it all out, let the tears run down and streak my made up face, let the frustration out hit anything that will make this feeling go away, and yet I want to have the control. Have control of the emotion so I can learn to deal with it and learn how to subdue it without harming myself. I try everyday so hard…putting pressure on being perfect, flawless, infallible. I hide behind makeup to feel the confidence that I need. I hide behind pretty clothes to reenforce me that if I look a certain way maybe he won’t leave me. It’s not his fault…it’s my fault for wanting to be so GOD DAMN perfect for him. To be the only girl that can catch his eye, to be the only girl he will ever want or need or think that is sexy.
I don’t blame him for my own sickness. I blame myself for not having enough confidence in myself to let go of the silly insecurities and trust in myself to be able to keep his attention. Yet sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough. I feel like I fall short of doing all the things that I should do as a girlfriend. What is wrong with me God? I was doing so good. I was making so much progress and I feel like I have taken so many steps back.
I just want to be perfect so I can be perfect for him…
As I reread this I feel sad at the fact that I see myself so low and so little and this is the only place I can truly be honest with how I really feel and what really goes through my head.
Looking For Clarity
Lately we have been fighting a lot. It seems like our relationship has taken a small toll on us. I know what I’m doing…I’m pushing you away because I’m afraid of falling in love with you in the way that I did with Erin. He was my first love and the only one that tore my heart apart in ways that I did not know were possible. I still remember the pain, how my heart felt like it was dying, breaking into pieces, cutting me up from the inside.
I want to tell you how I feel but I can’t because you’ve never loved a girl before and I’m afraid of the rejection. Do I really love you?? Do I really need you?? Do I really feel the way that I think I do? I don’t want to lose you but I keep pushing away. I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m losing you slowly. I’m not even making sense.
God I need you to show me some clarity here. I need you to show me what it is that I’m feeling and give me the strength and maturity to make this relationship work. I asked you once that if he didn’t belong to me, if he was only going to hurt me, to take him out of my life. You didn’t do that because he’s a good man. But now I’m asking you to show ME how to love him. Show me how to care for him in the way that I haven’t yet. Show me how to be a better girlfriend. Show me how to be a better person for him. Give me the strength and faith God, because you only know how much I already do care for him and how much more I’m scared of losing him.
I know I’m asking for a lot but who else can show me the way if not you. Guide me Diosito. Please show me because I’m afraid he’ll walk away if I keep been afraid of feeling and of making a commitment that could break my heart again.