After years of struggling…

today I finally worked up the courage to walk in through those doors and ask for help…nobody should ever have to struggle so much or feel like there’s no solution to our mental state. I only hope that they can help me and that my never ending struggle to be happy on most days can be limited to just once in a while…

I don’t know if this makes me weak or incapable of living life with its struggles, but what I do know is that I’m tired, tired of struggling so much and of feeling this way. Tired of pretending that I’m happy when I’m not and tired of depending on others to make me happy. I want to be happy for me, I want to make MYSELF happy. 

I want to be HAPPY.

Recently I came across a blog written by a young woman who had some great views about life and people but was also saddened to see how much she belittled women and everyone in general for having the capacity to forgive and love. She believes that women who love too much are weak because they are setting themselves for heartache and disappointment. She believes that those that are able to forgive are too weak to let go of those who have hurt them. I defer however, because to forgive is to be strong enough to recognize and accept the damage done and to move past it. To forgive is to be strong not weak. To love is to be willing to risk it all without been guaranteed of a happy outcome. There were many things that she said that I did not agree with at all, but that’s the beauty of blogs, it is a place where you can reflect and post your views about life, humanity, and the community that you live within. Blogs help you express your ideas and beliefs but I feel that these blogs that reflect a negative attitude can also be damaging to some.
It is not to say that we have to take to heart what people say but let’s be honest, how many times have you not read a blog and have considered what you have read? Have asked yourself “Does this make me this way because I do that?” or “Am I really who I think I am?” Whatever question or doubt suddenly arises in your heart or mind you must remember you are who you are and you should love yourself for it. It does not go without saying that sometimes we do need to change things about ourselves, but only if those changes are to become a better person, a happier person, and someone that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you are proud of. To love, to forgive, to feel emotions, and/or feelings are not to be weak but to be human. We were made to experience life and its hardships and stumble once in a while but do not believe for one second that because you stumbled and took a while to get back up means that you were weak or not strong enough to get up.
Everyone processes things differently and at different speeds. To say to someone who’s hurting to just get over it, is to be inconsiderate of their feelings and their struggle. Sure we can get annoying at times with our depression or pessimism but remember that every one of us processes things differently and at different speeds. Be kind to one another and be there for each other in times of struggle. Reading this young woman’s blog inspired me to write back and say that while we may be weak at times, we are also strong human beings capable of loving, forgiving, rejoicing, and of being kind even when situations call for the opposite. We are capable of so many feelings and emotions and we withstand and overcome many obstacles in our lifetime that in my opinion makes us stronger. To say that I forgive you for all the wrong doing or the mistakes done is to say that I am strong enough to let go and move past it. To say that I love you and willing to give you my all is to say that I am strong enough to be willing to risk it all for you.To say that I trust you is to say that even without the guarantee or the forth telling that there is a possibility that you can break my trust, is to be strong enough to be trusting of my friendship or relationship with you.
In my eyes it is not weakness but strength, and some may disagree and that’s okay, you are entitled to your own opinion. We all have our struggles and battles and we learn to overcome them, learn from them, and grow from them. Each struggle and battle making us stronger, wiser, and/or kinder. Live YOUR life how YOU want to live it, not how you think others or what is acceptable by society think you should live it. It is your happiness that is at stake at the end of the day, YOU choose your way in life but never for a second think that you are anything less or that you deserve less. You are a special human being put on this Earth for a reason and purpose, so love yourself and love those people in your life. Be kind to one another and be understanding and remember that you are not weak for loving, caring, forgiving, and/or being kind; you are a strong human being who is capable of doing those things and feeling all those emotions and feelings and for overcoming those obstacles and struggles in your life even when it seems its never ending. I hope this brightens someone’s day or lightens up your mood and brings a smile to your lovely face.

Happy Days for all of you!

Recently I came across a blog written by a young woman who had some great views about life and people but was also saddened to see how much she belittled women and everyone in general for having the capacity to forgive and love. She believes that women who love too much are weak because they are setting themselves for heartache and disappointment. She believes that those that are able to forgive are too weak to let go of those who have hurt them. I defer however, because to forgive is to be strong enough to recognize and accept the damage done and to move past it. To forgive is to be strong not weak. To love is to be willing to risk it all without been guaranteed of a happy outcome. There were many things that she said that I did not agree with at all, but that’s the beauty of blogs, it is a place where you can reflect and post your views about life, humanity, and the community that you live within. Blogs help you express your ideas and beliefs but I feel that these blogs that reflect a negative attitude can also be damaging to some.

It is not to say that we have to take to heart what people say but let’s be honest, how many times have you not read a blog and have considered what you have read? Have asked yourself “Does this make me this way because I do that?” or “Am I really who I think I am?” Whatever question or doubt suddenly arises in your heart or mind you must remember you are who you are and you should love yourself for it. It does not go without saying that sometimes we do need to change things about ourselves, but only if those changes are to become a better person, a happier person, and someone that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you are proud of. To love, to forgive, to feel emotions, and/or feelings are not to be weak but to be human. We were made to experience life and its hardships and stumble once in a while but do not believe for one second that because you stumbled and took a while to get back up means that you were weak or not strong enough to get up.

Everyone processes things differently and at different speeds. To say to someone who’s hurting to just get over it, is to be inconsiderate of their feelings and their struggle. Sure we can get annoying at times with our depression or pessimism but remember that every one of us processes things differently and at different speeds. Be kind to one another and be there for each other in times of struggle. Reading this young woman’s blog inspired me to write back and say that while we may be weak at times, we are also strong human beings capable of loving, forgiving, rejoicing, and of being kind even when situations call for the opposite. We are capable of so many feelings and emotions and we withstand and overcome many obstacles in our lifetime that in my opinion makes us stronger. To say that I forgive you for all the wrong doing or the mistakes done is to say that I am strong enough to let go and move past it. To say that I love you and willing to give you my all is to say that I am strong enough to be willing to risk it all for you.To say that I trust you is to say that even without the guarantee or the forth telling that there is a possibility that you can break my trust, is to be strong enough to be trusting of my friendship or relationship with you.

In my eyes it is not weakness but strength, and some may disagree and that’s okay, you are entitled to your own opinion. We all have our struggles and battles and we learn to overcome them, learn from them, and grow from them. Each struggle and battle making us stronger, wiser, and/or kinder. Live YOUR life how YOU want to live it, not how you think others or what is acceptable by society think you should live it. It is your happiness that is at stake at the end of the day, YOU choose your way in life but never for a second think that you are anything less or that you deserve less. You are a special human being put on this Earth for a reason and purpose, so love yourself and love those people in your life. Be kind to one another and be understanding and remember that you are not weak for loving, caring, forgiving, and/or being kind; you are a strong human being who is capable of doing those things and feeling all those emotions and feelings and for overcoming those obstacles and struggles in your life even when it seems its never ending. I hope this brightens someone’s day or lightens up your mood and brings a smile to your lovely face.

Happy Days for all of you!

I’m both sad and happy.
Happy to still be able to call you mine, but sad that I can’t hold you tight at night. No matter how far apart we are, you still have my heart…

I miss you so much baby and there is not one day that goes by where I don’t wish I could kiss your lips, hold your hand, lay next to you at night and wrap myself around you like I always did…I just want you by my side when I fall asleep and when I rise.

I’m both sad and happy.
Happy to still be able to call you mine, but sad that I can’t hold you tight at night. No matter how far apart we are, you still have my heart…

I miss you so much baby and there is not one day that goes by where I don’t wish I could kiss your lips, hold your hand, lay next to you at night and wrap myself around you like I always did…I just want you by my side when I fall asleep and when I rise.

   About two years ago, I discovered tumblr, or perhaps it discovered me. It seems now that I have tumblr to thank for the person that I have come to be today. I have YOU, my followers, to thank as well, because I really don’t know where I’d be today if it hadn’t be for your continuing support. I struggled so much, I was so lost. I was in a self-destructive path that at times I find myself wondering if I would be here today, if I hadn’t had this outlet would I be here, writing this blog? I made a best friend through tumblr who encouraged me, supported me, and reminded me of all that I was and could be, you know who you are my tumblr bff. Today, I’m a better person because I decided to make a change for myself not for someone else. I am still striving to undo all the damage that was done to me. Still making the effort everyday but it is not as hard as it once used to be.
   Today, I am facing new difficulties but I can say that I now have the tools, the wisdom, and the ability to remember that it is only a moment in time, that the moment will pass, to push forward and conquer my battles. This does not mean however, that I’m still not learning because I have so much yet to learn, to experience, and mistakes to make. I’m developing and blossoming and while I don’t have it all figured out, I’m slowly finding my way and my place in this world. For a while, I was starting to go back down my destructive path again, but this time not only do I have tumblr, my family, and friends, but I have someone that loves me unconditionally. Who has shown me the true meaning of love, or at least what it means to him and what I have now realized that it’s what it means to me as well.
   He is an ocean away from me now, but for nine beautiful months we learned everything about each other. We developed a relationship that is strong, healthy, and capable of enduring the next two years of distance. That is the military life, you meet someone and you find that they complete you, but only to have to say goodbye to them at one point. Nevertheless, I can say that if I had to do this all over again one day, I would. There is nothing more special or beautiful than when you meet the one person that no matter how crazy they drive you sometimes, they still find a way to make you smile. If someone was to ask me if I was scared about the distance, I would reply yes. I am scared but I am also sure and confident in that we have what it takes to make it.
   I’m happy and I’m excited for what the future has in store for me. And although there are days that are a struggle, those are few now, and I just have to keep on moving forward. I’m going to try to come here more often and write, I’ve neglected it, but now I must write again because these next two years might just drive me insane. Here is to happy and positive thoughts!!!

   About two years ago, I discovered tumblr, or perhaps it discovered me. It seems now that I have tumblr to thank for the person that I have come to be today. I have YOU, my followers, to thank as well, because I really don’t know where I’d be today if it hadn’t be for your continuing support. I struggled so much, I was so lost. I was in a self-destructive path that at times I find myself wondering if I would be here today, if I hadn’t had this outlet would I be here, writing this blog? I made a best friend through tumblr who encouraged me, supported me, and reminded me of all that I was and could be, you know who you are my tumblr bff. Today, I’m a better person because I decided to make a change for myself not for someone else. I am still striving to undo all the damage that was done to me. Still making the effort everyday but it is not as hard as it once used to be.

   Today, I am facing new difficulties but I can say that I now have the tools, the wisdom, and the ability to remember that it is only a moment in time, that the moment will pass, to push forward and conquer my battles. This does not mean however, that I’m still not learning because I have so much yet to learn, to experience, and mistakes to make. I’m developing and blossoming and while I don’t have it all figured out, I’m slowly finding my way and my place in this world. For a while, I was starting to go back down my destructive path again, but this time not only do I have tumblr, my family, and friends, but I have someone that loves me unconditionally. Who has shown me the true meaning of love, or at least what it means to him and what I have now realized that it’s what it means to me as well.

   He is an ocean away from me now, but for nine beautiful months we learned everything about each other. We developed a relationship that is strong, healthy, and capable of enduring the next two years of distance. That is the military life, you meet someone and you find that they complete you, but only to have to say goodbye to them at one point. Nevertheless, I can say that if I had to do this all over again one day, I would. There is nothing more special or beautiful than when you meet the one person that no matter how crazy they drive you sometimes, they still find a way to make you smile. If someone was to ask me if I was scared about the distance, I would reply yes. I am scared but I am also sure and confident in that we have what it takes to make it.

   I’m happy and I’m excited for what the future has in store for me. And although there are days that are a struggle, those are few now, and I just have to keep on moving forward. I’m going to try to come here more often and write, I’ve neglected it, but now I must write again because these next two years might just drive me insane. Here is to happy and positive thoughts!!!

For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation. — Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. — “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog”   (via scrapedpalms)

(via scrapedpalms-deactivated2014101)

Lately my mind has mulled thought after thought that at times it seems I may just lose my mind. Questioning everything that at one point I was so certain of, now, not so much. I feel exhausted, I feel discouraged, I feel nostalgic. I look at myself now and then, and sometimes I don’t like what I see. I’m so detached, not allowing anyone to really get close to me. I miss FEELING, I feel numb at times, I feel like I’m just living through the motions not really enjoying every moment as if it were my last. I wouldn’t call this depression, I’ve seen depression, and this is most definitely not it. I joined the Navy in hopes that I would become a better person, but if anything I feel like I have learned to be more selfish, less attached, less friendly, less sweet, less ME. I no longer tolerate things that once upon a time I would have tolerated. I no longer go out of my way to do something nice for someone like I used to before. 

The Navy changes everyone, some for better, some for worst. I haven’t quite figured out which one of those the Navy has done for me. This is not to say that the Navy hasn’t also brought growth as a young woman. I’m more responsible with finances, work, and my personal life. To some, that may not be enough or a lot of change, but to me those are significant changes that at one point I did not believe were possible for me to make, it seem unattainable. I’ve learned to not be so trusting (this saddens me), I’ve learned to take someone’s genuineness as a grain of salt (I don’t know if this is from experiences or just the validity of people’s intentions), and I’ve learned to say goodbye (constantly). But before I go on blaming the Navy for all of this, I have to propose that perhaps all these changes do come from experience, learning from our mistakes, and just plain fact or belief that maturity comes with age. 

I miss being naive, careless with my heart, and giving with all the emotions and feelings that I could muster. I’m not those things anymore or maybe I am, but not as much as I was before. How many times was I told to not be so naive? To not fall so easily? To beware of people’s intentions because most weren’t genuine? Perhaps I’m going through a phase of self-discovery (whatever that really means). I don’t want to try and figure it out anymore. The never ending thoughts will just have to flood my mind and eventually leave, but I can’t continue to try and figure out if one thought could possibly mean something that deep down in my unconscious I’m feeling or want. Most importantly, I gotta stop telling myself that I do not feel a certain way, or that I do not care, or do not feel because I do feel a certain way, I do care, and I do feel emotions and am capable of feeling them. Whatever it is that I’m going through right now will have to unfold itself in time, but for now, I’m just going to let the tide take me.

Lately my mind has mulled thought after thought that at times it seems I may just lose my mind. Questioning everything that at one point I was so certain of, now, not so much. I feel exhausted, I feel discouraged, I feel nostalgic. I look at myself now and then, and sometimes I don’t like what I see. I’m so detached, not allowing anyone to really get close to me. I miss FEELING, I feel numb at times, I feel like I’m just living through the motions not really enjoying every moment as if it were my last. I wouldn’t call this depression, I’ve seen depression, and this is most definitely not it. I joined the Navy in hopes that I would become a better person, but if anything I feel like I have learned to be more selfish, less attached, less friendly, less sweet, less ME. I no longer tolerate things that once upon a time I would have tolerated. I no longer go out of my way to do something nice for someone like I used to before.

The Navy changes everyone, some for better, some for worst. I haven’t quite figured out which one of those the Navy has done for me. This is not to say that the Navy hasn’t also brought growth as a young woman. I’m more responsible with finances, work, and my personal life. To some, that may not be enough or a lot of change, but to me those are significant changes that at one point I did not believe were possible for me to make, it seem unattainable. I’ve learned to not be so trusting (this saddens me), I’ve learned to take someone’s genuineness as a grain of salt (I don’t know if this is from experiences or just the validity of people’s intentions), and I’ve learned to say goodbye (constantly). But before I go on blaming the Navy for all of this, I have to propose that perhaps all these changes do come from experience, learning from our mistakes, and just plain fact or belief that maturity comes with age.

I miss being naive, careless with my heart, and giving with all the emotions and feelings that I could muster. I’m not those things anymore or maybe I am, but not as much as I was before. How many times was I told to not be so naive? To not fall so easily? To beware of people’s intentions because most weren’t genuine? Perhaps I’m going through a phase of self-discovery (whatever that really means). I don’t want to try and figure it out anymore. The never ending thoughts will just have to flood my mind and eventually leave, but I can’t continue to try and figure out if one thought could possibly mean something that deep down in my unconscious I’m feeling or want. Most importantly, I gotta stop telling myself that I do not feel a certain way, or that I do not care, or do not feel because I do feel a certain way, I do care, and I do feel emotions and am capable of feeling them. Whatever it is that I’m going through right now will have to unfold itself in time, but for now, I’m just going to let the tide take me.

thebeautifultragedyinyou:

no other choice, my love…

So many people just throw around this phrase like it doesn’t mean anything. Learn to cherish it…

thebeautifultragedyinyou:

no other choice, my love…

So many people just throw around this phrase like it doesn’t mean anything. Learn to cherish it…

   I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to disappear at times. I want to just feel like I’m doing all the right things…that I’m normal. I don’t want to feel like I’m falling short of making the one person that is constantly trying to make me happy, happy. The knot in my throat pleads me to stop holding in the emotion and just let the it all out, let the tears run down and streak my made up face, let the frustration out hit anything that will make this feeling go away, and yet I want to have the control. Have control of the emotion so I can learn to deal with it and learn how to subdue it without harming myself.  I try everyday so hard…putting pressure on being perfect, flawless, infallible. I hide behind makeup to feel the confidence that I need. I hide behind pretty clothes to reenforce me that if I look a certain way maybe he won’t leave me. It’s not his fault…it’s my fault for wanting to be so GOD DAMN perfect for him. To be the only girl that can catch his eye, to be the only girl he will ever want or need or think that is sexy.

   I don’t blame him for my own sickness. I blame myself for not having enough confidence in myself to let go of the silly insecurities and trust in myself to be able to keep his attention. Yet sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough. I feel like I fall short of doing all the things that I should do as a girlfriend. What is wrong with me God? I was doing so good. I was making so much progress and I feel like I have taken so many steps back.

   I just want to be perfect so I can be perfect for him…

As I reread this I feel sad at the fact that I see myself so low and so little and this is the only place I can truly be honest with how I really feel and what really goes through my head.

acureforbrainwork:

Hey everyone. I’m about to tell you all a really personal story, and then, I could use your help.

The blonde in the pictures above is my little sister, Rachel. She’s 14, a freshman in high school. She’s one of the smartest kids you’ll ever meet, to be honest. Smarter than me. She’s got an amazing sense of humor and the most gorgeous smile, the sort of person who just lights up a room with laughter after being in it for five minutes. Even though I’m 19 and I should be the tough one, she’s held me when I cried, and she cooks me dinner when I’m too lazy to do it, and she gives me confidence when I don’t believe in myself. We cosplay together, we fangirl together, and we talk Tumblr-speak at the dinner table. It’s not an exaggeration when I tell you this girl is my entire world. I’d do anything for her, and I love her more than words could fully describe.

On Friday, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after a year of battling severe depression and anxiety.

She thinks she’s ugly. She thinks her future doesn’t matter. She often hates herself, and can’t see all the amazing things everyone else knows is obvious just from their first glance at her. 

The red tie on my wrist you see in the third picture was from her. Behavioral hospitals don’t allow anything with strings on them, so after she pulled out the tie for her sweatshirt, she wrapped it around my wrist for me to wear until she gets back. It might only be for a weekend, or it might be for longer. I don’t know yet.

Here’s where I’m asking for your help. At the earliest, Rachel is coming home on Sunday, but it’ll probably be longer. Still, that means I might only have two days to get the message out. I want to show her when she comes home that there are people out there who believe in her. Who think she’s beautiful and worth fighting for, worth recovery. 

So please, reblog this and prove to her that she has more support than she ever realized. I’m hoping it’ll give her some confidence than she can get better.

(via youre-my-heroo)