A Promise Made To Myself....

     Tonight is my last night with all my loved ones because tomorrow my new life begins as a United States Navy Recruit. It has being hard saying goodbye to everyone but they all have reminded me that it is not a goodbye it is a see you soon. They are right, for I am not going to disappear from their lives but rather take them with me on this journey. Tonight I was reminded of how many people love me and how many people are wishing me the best. I feel so blessed that words cannot convey what I feel right now. 

    I’ve had a hard life, one that has tried to bring me down but each time I have gotten back up. I’ve endured heartache and disappointment and it has made me question myself. However, I have been blessed with an opportunity that is about to turn my life around. I am going to become someone that will be ready to take on any challenge that is thrown my way. I get to serve my country and however small of an impact I make, it will be for my country and my family. It will be for those who have gone before me, who gave up their lives to defend our freedom.

     I’ve never been more proud of myself then on the day that I swore in. I’ve never felt such a sense of pride then I did on the day that I decided to walk in to the Navy’s recruiting office. I know it is not going to be easy, I know there will be times where I’m going to ask myself why I joined but on those days I will remind myself of those reasons. This a challenge one that I’m looking forward to, one that I know I will excel in. I’m not scared, I’m nervous and excited. Tomorrow my life will take on a different dimension. I am ready to become the person that I was meant to be for I….

I am a United States Sailor

I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America and obey the orders of those appointed over me.

I represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before to defend freedom and democracy around the world.

I proudly serve my country’s Navy combat team with Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

I am committed to excellence and fair treatment of all.  

     The countdown has started!!! Only nine more days till I ship out to bootcamp! I can’t believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like only yesterday I was saying there was only 40 days left till I left for Great Lakes, Illinois. I’m ready for this new chapter in my life and I look forward to the challenges that this path will bring me. In nine days my life is going to take on a new challenge and is going to change me as a person. I’m leaving my home as a lost girl, looking for her path in life, and I’ll be coming out of bootcamp and starting my A-School as a confident woman ready to take on any challenge. Here is to the Navy! GO NAVY!!! 

     I haven’t being on Tumblr for the longest time. I’ve been so busy with work, hanging out with my friends, going out on Saturday nights, enjoying the little time that I have left with everyone. I’ve being so consumed by all of these things that I haven’t taken a chance to reflect on what has being going on in my life lately. I am incredibly happy and incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life. I am both scared and excited to leave. Only 18 days left before I get on that plane that will fly me to Great Lakes, Illinois.

     All the while, I have invested a lot of time in a guy who makes me smile, laugh, is laid back, and kisses me even in the mornings with my morning breath and messy hair. He has made me breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Has taken me out to an actual restaurant and paid for my meal (old fashioned or just a gentleman, I don’t know it was simply a nice gesture). Someone who I have tried so hard not to fall for or develop feelings for, but they are there, blooming and growing each day. I know it is stupid to fall for someone when I will be leaving so soon, but I can’t help it. We’ve being hanging out since December and the more I get to know him the more I enjoy being around him.

     I realize that this friendship/relationship may not go anywhere but it has renewed my hope in that the right guy for me is out there if he turns out to not be the one. We’ve all heard that saying that goes “If you love him, let him go. If he comes back to you, he’s your’s forever. If he doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” I don’t know if I love him, I know I care about him. I’ve discovered that the best type of love is the one that grows each day, the one that you took time to build a strong foundation for. As of now I don’t know how he feels about me and he, if he can’t tell, doesn’t know how I feel about him. We have avoided talking about feelings, about how we feel for each other all this time.

     I’m not expecting anything because I know it is irrational to expect him to wait for me for when I do come back. He’s in the Air Force, so he knows the type of life that I’ll be living. I’ll let him go if that’s what it comes down to and if we cross paths again one day, I know it was meant to be. Regardless, I can’t help but give him credit for taking the time to get to know me despite knowing that I am leaving. I trust him, I’ve said that before about other guys without really meaning it. With him is different, I am actually trying hard to trust him, to give him the benefit of the doubt that when all this is over that we will stay in touch and will look back at what we shared. If he chooses to try having some kind of relationship with me, then I trust him in that he has the best intentions for me. That he will be kind to me as I have been kind to him. I thought I was scared for when the time comes where we both face what has being happening between us and what we want to do about it, but I’m not.  

     The worst that can happen is that he or we decide to remain friends and that is not a bad thing or worst case scenario at all. I feel more for him then I admit because he is the closest that has come to meeting that bar that was set high by Erin. One look at him and I want to kiss him until nothing around us exist. I haven’t felt like that before. I haven’t felt that kind of attraction that is not just physical but also mental and emotional. Or perhaps I have felt it before but never as strong as I do with him. All this is so new to me and while neither one of us have discussed what’s going on between us, I have cherished each moment spent with him. 

     Whatever happens I am happy in that I was fortunate to experience such feelings. I haven’t fully experienced the complete package because we are both guarded due to our situation, but the feelings that I have felt have been great. I take the memories and the possibility that perhaps there’s a chance at something more, or that perhaps I am just that closer at finding my soul mate. I stopped looking and I met Michael. I stopped looking and he showed up unexpected and took me off guard. Good things do come to those who wait and even if this relationship that has being blooming comes to an end, I know in my heart that perhaps one day we will cross paths again or perhaps the guy that I am meant to be with is out there still. 

     Once upon a time, my happiness was dependent off of having a guy in my life, off of finding the one. That does not hold true anymore. My happiness is dependent off of me. Off of doing the things that make me happy, off of being simply happy that I surpass my nightmares. Each day I am working at dissolving my insecurities, my doubts, my fears, and each day it gets easier. I never thought I would get here, I never thought I would reach today where I am more confident in my decisions, more confident with myself. I love myself and appreciate myself that others have noticed.

     My inner light shines brighter today because I made the decision of dusting off my knees, getting back up, and head in a path where things are much more brighter, where my life actually has taken the path where my future shines bright. I could have given up, I was given reasons to give up, but I didn’t because somewhere inside of me, I knew things were only going to get better if I chose to allow things to get better. God gave me the strength, held my hand, and guided me in the direction that I needed to go. My grandpa that has being looking after me since he passed away has being my Guardian Angel helping me each day face the challenges that I encounter. 

     This is me now. A healthy me. A happy me. I love myself back. I appreciate myself. My happiness is no longer dependent off of a guys approval of me. I’ve come a long way and still have a long way to go. Life is good. Life is great. “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference” -Robert Frost

     My life is finally coming together. I am slowly finding my purpose, my motivation, my drive to achieve all of my goals that at one point only seemed too big, too unattainable, too far away. I took a chance and while I don’t know how that chance will turn out, I know I have the power in me to make sure that it turns out the way that I want it to. The Navy is my life now and there is no room for anything else. It’s about me, it’s about getting my career started, it’s about making something of myself. I spent almost 10 years trying to please everyone else around me. Always making sure that everyone was happy with me, never taking in to consideration my own happiness, my own desires, my own wants and needs. 

     I’m both excited and dreadful of the day that I leave because that’s when the challenge begins. It’s when I will have to say goodbye to all my love ones. It will be the day that I go off on my own, this time to a place I’ve never been to. This time I’m not going off to another state for a boy that I fell in love with, this time I’m going to another state more than a 1000 miles away from my love ones to start my career, my future. It is slowly sinking in me the big decision that I made and I still don’t regret it. This is what I want and the drive and motivation in me is burning through my being that I know I will do great. I’m not going to do the bare minimum to just get by, I’m going to put all my effort and everything in me to get ahead, to achieve, to excel. 

     I was lost for the longest time, feeling like I didn’t belong. Feeling like there was something more I was meant to do. I felt that I was selling myself short. I’ve always craved challenges, rebelled in them, found the adventure in them. My life was becoming mundane and I was feeling a sense of boredom. The Navy is for me a privilege. I was given the privilege to serve my country. I may not be in the front lines, under combat, but in a small way I am serving this country that has given me more opportunities then I could have ever imagine. If I were living in Mexico, I wouldn’t have all these opportunities that I have here. So I’m grateful, thankful for all that this country has given me because despite the controversies, the issues, and the debt that we are in, this country has given us more then any other countries have given their citizens. 

     I see my cousins and friends back in Mexico who have given up their right to an education because it is too costly for them. I see my love ones struggle to get by but here I am with my few struggles yet making more advancement in my life then they are, simply because I live in a better world, one that is not as corrupted as my other home, Mexico. So yes, I see the Navy as a privilege and one that I’m not taking for granted. I’m not about to put my Mom and Dad through this hardship of not having their daughter around, to just go off and fail. They showed me better, they raised me better then that. I’m happy and I can genuinely say that. For once, I am actually looking forward to the future. For once I’m excited to see what’s in store for me and that’s the greatest feeling ever. 

     My mind for a while was so focused in finding “the one” in my life. Now, my focus is not in finding my “prince charming” but it is finding my way in this world. My mind is now focus in making an impact however small or big. Making a difference in this world and contributing to make sure that the generations ahead of me have something to live for, a place to be safe in. I took a chance, I made a big decision and I don’t regret it. I will miss my Mom, Dad, and brother a lot. I will miss my friends and my job, despite its stressful environment at times, a lot. However, I find peace in that when I do come back for visits, for leave, they will be here waiting for me. Maybe some will have moved away or maybe some will turn out to not be the friends that I thought they be; but the ones that are, those will be the ones that I will cherish. I took a chance and I never knew how absolutely perfect it could have turned out until recently. I took a chance and for once it had nothing to do with a boy, it had to do with my future, and I’ve never felt so empowered until now. I took a chance and it’s never felt this right. Thank you God for the opportunity. 

With much love,

Magaly 

     My first love seems like it was ages ago, but it’s only been a year and four months since we both parted ways. The first year of our relationship we were 1000 miles apart. We started dating the summer before our senior year and that’s when I had learned that I was going to be moving back to California. We both decided that we find a way to make it work. We worked a way to see each other every other month. I remember the anticipation of getting in that plane and having to wait the hour and twenty minutes flight. The visits would fly by and the days and weeks waiting to see each other again would slowly pass by. 

     I remember the letters that we used to write and the anticipation of seeing the mail carrier, hoping that he have a letter for me from Erin. He was my everything and I gave him all the love that I could possibly give him. I didn’t always know how to treat him right, I didn’t always cherish his love but that was our relationship. It was chaotic, complicated, and sweet. I can say without a doubt that we were both crazy about each other. Crazy enough to have made the decision to move up back to Washington to be closer to him. Crazy enough to endure his psychotic Mom who made sure that I knew I was never going to be good enough for her son. Crazy enough to live paycheck to paycheck for the sake of been near him. 

     Would I do it all over again? Yes, I would do it all over again because he made me stronger. He showed me heartache that I didn’t think I could survive. He showed me how to love and how to let go. I endured six months of back and forth, six months of begging him to take me back until one day I woke up and realized that I had to move back home. When the realization hit I was doing it for him. I didn’t want to hurt him more then I already had, but now I look back and I realize that it wasn’t all my fault. He hurt me in more ways then one. Telling me he wanted me back and then turned around to tell me he had changed his mind over a six month period ripped my heart out. He stomped on it without mercy. 

     I know I was wrong in the relationship but I should have stopped trying the minute he told he had being doubting his feelings for me for a year. I was lied to when I I thought everything was going great. There was no hope when he stopped trying. I’m not ashamed of my actions during the relationship. I don’t regret the way I went about with things. I made the best possible decisions within the circumstances. Today, I may be more cautious when it comes to trusting guys. Today, I may not give out my heart as easily. Today, I may have some confidence issues, but I’ve realized that I can’t change who I am. 

     I’m the kind of girl that likes to do nice things for the guy that she’s talking to. I’m the kind of girl who will drop what she’s doing to hang out with you. I’m the kind of girl who will stay up late at night to talk to you or text you. I’m the kind of girl that likes to cuddle and hold hands. I’m the kind of girl who is willing to drive x amount of hours or miles to go and see you. I’m the kind of girl who forgives too easily and too quickly, the one who can’t stay mad at you for too long because it starts eating her inside. I’ve been told too many times how I’m too nice, how I shouldn’t be so nice. Thing is, I don’t know how not to be me. I’m not changing who I am for anyone, but realize that I want to be treated with respect. Show me you care as well because I need the affirmation from time to time. Let me know you are just as interested in me as I am with you. 

     This is who I am and I’ve come to terms that I’m happy with myself. So maybe I have insecurities and if that makes me unattractive then so be it. Maybe I’m not as confident as the girl next door, but the girl next door perhaps hasn’t gone through the things that I have. Maybe the girl next door has insecurities as well and is better at hiding them then me. Regardless, there are so many perceptions out there of how a girl is suppose to be. People around us are constantly telling us that no guy likes an insecure girl. No guy likes a needy girl. No guy is attracted to a certain kind of behavior, but reality is girl or guy we have insecurities. We have self-esteem issues because people have brought us down. It is not easy to just wake up one day and say “From this day on I will not longer lack self-esteem.” It takes time to build it up when you have been brought down for years. 

     Can we let go of the labels? Let go of the perceptions that society has engraved in our brains to be like? We are flawed and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. I am insecure because I was shown from the age of five that you can’t trust men. I am insecure because my heart has been broken many times. I am insecure because I am constantly being told by magazines, society, and media that I’m suppose to look a certain way. That I’m suppose to have flawless skin, the athletic skinny body, the perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything. Can’t I like myself with my flaws, insecurities, and whatever else is wrong with me, without having to worry that a guy won’t find me attractive? 

     I’m embracing my flaws, I don’t have the perfect tummy, the perfect flawless skin, the trendy clothes, and my hair isn’t always perfect. I wake up and my hair is a mess, I have morning breath, and my face is in need of washing up. What girl actually wakes up like she just stepped out of a photo shoot? I have my good days where my hair actually looks decent when I wake up. Where my skin looks fresh and clean. But on most days I look like a mess. I want to embrace my flaws and stop trying to look like the girl in some magazine cover. They are airbrushed to look like that and even if they aren’t I can’t strive for her beauty because I have beauty of my own. Life is simply too short for us to worry about perfection, perfection is each one of us. Here is to natural beauty, to our imperfections, to the miracle that we are. 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE PERFECT. YOU ARE A MIRACLE. 

     I just finished watching the movie The Help. This movie is the most beautiful movie I have seen in a while. There were so many great messages about courage, empowerment, faith, belief, forgiveness, and kindness. I’m sure there were other messages in there that I did not pick up, but these are the ones that stood out the most to me. There was one in specific that really pulled at me and is being widely spread already. There is a quote that Aibileen Clark, one of the house maids, tells the little girl that she has taken care of since birth, to always remember that “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” 

     The minute I heard these words they struck an odd feeling in me. All I could do was say them over and over again in my head. I often diminish my value, my worth. I diminish my sense of worth by accepting less than what I deserve. We all do and I think this message is great. We are all important but we often allow others to put us down and tell us otherwise to the point where we start believing it. We sell ourselves short because we thing we don’t deserve more. I have done this so many times in the past. I begged Erin to stay with me, to not leave me for six months. I put myself through hell for my friends so they would keep me around. I know friendships and relationships take hard work and time to establish, but there comes a time when one can keep trying before you realize it is a lost cause. 

     So before you put yourself down or someone else does, remember that “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Let’s stop thinking less of ourselves and start reaching for what we are really worth. I am worth more then what I have being giving myself lately. It doesn’t make me stuck up, it makes me confident in myself. It empowers me to realize that I deserve to be treated like a lady. It empowers me to realize that I have a lot going on for myself. I have a bright future ahead of me. My life is going to be the Navy and whether I come across a significant someone or not, I’m okay with that. 

YOU ARE WORTH. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU DESERVE MORE THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE KIND. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. REMEMBER ALL THAT. 

THIS POST IS A RUN DOWN OF MY NEW YEARS CELEBRATION (SKIP IF NOT INTERESTED (: )

     It’s been a crazy past few days. I am finally just living my life how I want to live it. No longer caring so much about what others are going to say about me. I have no idea what I want but I haven’t being this happy in a while. I get to hang out with whoever I want. I get to be me, without having to worried about who might judge me for it. I had an amazing New Years with my friends and people that I really didn’t know, but they were great. I picked up my friend, Michael, from the Air Force base in Marysville, California. He was going to spend New Years weekend by himself because he can’t drive his car due to his license being suspended. So I offered him to spend New Years weekend with me and my friends. 

     He is truly just a friend, I know that a lot of my friends were giving me the speculative eye, but honestly we are just hanging out. We did exchanged a New Years kiss though, but it doesn’t mean anything!!! Anyone could have kissed anyone on New Years. Needless to say I had the biggest hangover ever. I had too much to drink and ended up falling asleep in the bathtub. Somehow I managed back in the living room where everyone else was at. I ended up cuddling with Michael because one of the guys that I was laid next to was trying to feel me up, which I wasn’t okay with because I felt like he was trying to take advantage of the situation and the fact that I was drunk. 

     Even if I wasn’t drunk it is not okay for a guy to feel like he can just start rubbing up on you. Michael and I woke up the next day to someone’s alarm going off, realizing that I had to be at work in 15 minutes. I got up and woke him up and told him we had to get going. I went on a search for my shoes but couldn’t find them so I walked out of the house with no shoes. I got to work and changed into my uniform, put Michael in a room and worked the seven to eleven in the morning shift. Not too bad but I regretted drinking as much as I did because it was not fun standing there trying to focus on every little task that I had to do. 

     After I got off work, we drove back to my apartment and knocked out. I called my Mom later that day to ask her when we were going to have New Years dinner and then asked her if it was okay if I brought a friend over, which, she got all excited for. I was taken aback when I saw how well Michael hit it off with my parents. Especially my dad, who never makes a lot of conversation with anyone; but there they were, sitting on the couch watching football together and talking about “man” stuff. We spent majority of the day there, me cuddle up to my mom and Michael sharing a couch with my dad, talking about football.

     We finally left my parents since we were both really warned out and went back to my apartment. We showered and watched movies till we fell asleep…and all I can say is that he is a really nice guy. I say this because when I fell asleep, he turned off the tv and put me under the covers. I woke up the next morning and told him I was going to buy us some donuts for breakfast. When I came back he had my bed made!!! I was shocked and torn between gooiness and a nonchalant attitude about it, but I couldn’t help it but let it make me feel all gooey inside. First he tucks me in to bed, then makes my bed! We slept in the same bed because I didn’t have the heart to tell him to sleep on the floor and I didn’t want to sleep on the floor either, so we both shared the ends of the bed. 

    I know it sounds  like I like Michael, and I do, but the thing is I still don’t know what I want. I like Michael because of the nice little things that he did without me expecting them. The fact that he got along so well with my family, that spoke volumes. I don’t bring over a lot of friends over to my parent’s because they never stick around for that long and my mom get’s easily attached to them. She’s already telling him to come back again soon, I just look at my mom and give her the “Woman calm down!!” look. My mom is perhaps the most adorable woman on this Earth; Michael even stated how sweet and funny my Mom is. Oh God…okay switching to something else…I am not falling for him…I just found things that were really endearing. 

     This post was supposed to be about how I’ve let gone of things that don’t matter to me anymore, about things that were only bringing me down. However, it turned to be a blog about Michael and my New Years celebration. Nonetheless, I have started looking at life differently. This way of thinking started about a week ago or less with the realization that I will be going away for the Navy soon. I want to live my life freely before I go off into a world where I won’t be as free. I have also hit a wall where I realized I was tired of trying to please everyone. This may sound awful but I’m going to try to start pleasing myself and put myself first before others. I feel awful saying this, but the thing is, if I don’t lookout for my own happiness, who will? So my life with its ups and downs and confusion happens to be pretty amazing. I realized that I don’t need anyone’s approval but my own. I still am the girl who falls too easily for boys, still the kind girl, the one who will do anything for you, but this time I’m taking time to do the things that I want. 

     This isn’t a New Years resolution but just a new perspective of the direction that I want to take my life. Like the picture above has stated, I’m starting to live the life that I have always imagined because I believe I could. I replaced the fear of unknown with curiosity to see where life leads me and when I looked around, I realized life IS pretty amazing. 

MAYBE I’M BEING SELFISH BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS ABOUT TIME I START DOING THE THINGS THAT I HAVE WANTED TO. LIVE MY LIFE RECKLESSLY AND EXPLORE NEW IDEAS. LIFE IS GOOD.